At my last place of work there were 3 of us who hung around together – we all liked a drink and liked good company.
We also talked about doing something away from work. We went to see Roger Waters’ The Wall together at the O2. One of the greatest concerts I have ever seen but we talked about doing something more.
Ross Keenleyside came up with the idea that we should all go to the Lake District together. Matt Williams and myself thought it was a ‘fuck of a good idea’ so a hotel was booked and train tickets were purchased.
One sunny Friday afternoon we met at a pub by Euston and began our boys’ adventure.
The first fail was that the train, rather than being 8 carriages was now a very miniscule 4. The other problem being that it was a Bank Holiday Weekend.
Matt had tried to book seats but we were well and truly fucked. We spent most of the journey standing and there was no buffet car, so no beer – the horror.
By the time we reached the hotel in the Lake District we were 3 very thirsty chaps. The landlady kept the bar open for us and we slaked our thirst with much welcome cold beverages.
Now this is where I made my mistake. I started talking to the landlady ‘Debs’ and introduced myself as ‘Mark’. We had a conversation while Matt and Ross were talking to some of the locals.
That night we retired to bed and I thought nothing of it.
The next morning Ross was the victim of another mistake. He was sharing a room with Matt. What we didn’t realise was that Matt snored liked a warthog with sinus problems.
The result was Ross had been kept awake most of the night by these nocturnal snortings and looked like he’d been beaten up. While Matt skipped down to breakfast fresh-faced and smiling.
We ordered breakfast and ‘Debs’ who seemed to do everything brought us our plates. Now this is where my problems began.
In Ross’s words ‘Debs’ practically ‘threw their breakfasts at them’. When she brought mine, it was all ‘and here’s your breakfast, Mark, I hope you enjoy it.’
I assured her I would and turned to see Ross and Matt looking at me in shock.
“Mark! Since when has anyone called you Mark? I thought we were with our mate, Taf. Not this’ Mark’, character.
Despite this little bit of favouritism we set off for a 7 mile romp round the lakes. In the first half-mile I twisted my ankle so spent the next 6 and a half miles hobbling like an old man while the two fellas marched on.
It was a great walk, great scenery, beautiful lakes and warm sunny skies. There was a peace I hadn’t felt for so long. Just staring out over all this natural beauty was soothing to the soul. What made it all the better was that I was with 2 great friends too.
At the end of the walk we ended up in a pub for a few sharpeners then it was back to the hotel for dinner.
After seeing so many young lambs frolicking free and healthy in the pastures it was only natural that each of us chose the lamb for dinner.
Then we hit the bar again with one of the topics of conversation being that I must have banged Debs last night to get such preferential treatment.
Many beers later at well past bedtime we each took our leave. I went upstairs first and climbed into bed as the room swirled around.
The next thing I hear is a soft knock on the door. “Mark, Mark? It’s ‘Debs’, will you let me in?”
Now if Debs was a 40 year old bloke there was no way that was her voice. The main thing that gave it away was Ross laughing so hard that it sounded like he was falling down the stairs.
“Mark, will you let me in?” The sound came again accompanied by the howling laughter of a big geordie bloke in fits of apoplectic laughter.
The rest of the weekend was a laugh with 2 of my greatest mates but I will never forget Matt and Ross outside my door, pissed out of their heads pretending to be an amorous landlady.
I would have opened the door if me and ‘Debs’ weren’t pissing ourselves on the other side.