Depression isn’t funny. It’s not even sad

Everyone thinks the opposite of love is hate, but that’s wrong. The opposite of love or hate is indifference. They’re emotions, indifference is the lack of emotion.

Depression, or the version I went through, wasn’t about feeling sad. I had an absence of emotion. No happiness, no sadness just an empty vessel shambling from one doctor to the next and not really caring about anything.

How did I get into such a state? Quite simple, I was stressed at work, stressed at home and extremely stressed on the journey to and  from both places. My brain was under constant attack from anxiety until it ‘popped’. The fuses just blew and left me without power.

If it wasn’t for some timely intervention from some friends I don’t know where I would be right now.

The problem was, I hadn’t really noticed my steady decline. To be fair I have always had the feeling that everyone was ‘too happy’ and I couldn’t figure out why. If someone had spotted the signs during childhood maybe I wouldn’t have blown a fuse in later life.

What ‘depression’ did for me though was give me a whole new perspective on everything. My brain would fixate on any task. Everything had to be done perfectly or it wasn’t good enough.

I watched women getting on the bus and pondered why they didn’t get their Oyster cards out before the bus arrived instead of ferreting around hopelessly in their bags when they approached the driver.

I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to rush to get a free copy of the Metro at the tube station when you could download a copy at home before you even got to the underground.

These were just the tip of the iceberg. At work I was surrounded by situations that reminded me of how amoeba reacted to situations – stimulus=response – no one seemed to be thinking ahead and I was one of the people expected to deal with the day-to-day problems.

Looking back I find it amusing. If it wasn’t for my meltdown I would probably be blowing my top at all the little stupid things that people do and getting myself into a tizzy every time they happen.

Now I sit back and say nothing. It really shouldn’t be my problem. Then America goes and elects Trump and I find myself gnashing my teeth again. Time to buy more fuses.

 

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